Home Is Where The Darkness Lies
by Alextraordinary
Summary: It's been months since Richard Castle has seen his daughter, Alexis. No matter how long he sequestered himself in his loft to try for one night of peaceful sleep, he can't shake the feeling that something will happen, overlapping the murders into his life
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

It was a suspiciously cold November day. Richard Castle spent another restless night on the leather couch that rested in his den. The light of morning flashed in his fluttering eyelids until he escaped from his nightmare and thrust himself awake. His blue eyes scanned around him, as if he was looking for something out of place. The red walls stood silent, and the shelves that held various beloved knickknacks mimicked the slow rising sun itself.

He ran his hands through his scraggly brown hair and sighed. Ever since his daughter, Alexis, left for Stanford, he had never been able to fall asleep. It was like he was waiting for someone to burst through his front door and tell him in a gasping voice that Alexis had been in some sort of accident.

Richard Castle reached for his laptop, and he was brought to full consciousness when it almost slipped from his hand. He shook his head. When his finger lightly brushed over the touch pad, his laptop came awake and lit up his last window he left open. He sighed again. Google. He smoothed his finger over to the red 'x' box and exited out of the results page of car accident statistics. No need to start a morning of torturing himself when he just awoke from a night of his masochism.

How long had it been since he looked into the clear-blue eyes of his daughter? Sure, he knew it had only been a few months since she came down for summer vacation, but as he closed his laptop, it felt like years. The loft was silent. A different silence than when his daughter was here. Memories flashed in his eyes in the moment sunlight flashed through the windows. Yet he shook them away before he could remember them completely. If he took a step back and thought of last year, it wouldn't have been so bad. But what Rick was avoiding was the bolting down to the days of Alexis when she was eight. He didn't like to play favorites with his memories of her, but the writer in him always thought that if a battalion of rogue androids broke loose and allowed him to keep one human memory before they assimilated him, he decided on year eight with her. It was the year Alexis was most like a kid and it was the year he felt that they were the most aligned. But no. He shook his head again. He already tortured himself with what could happen to her, if he began to look back on his years with her, the father in him would possess him to re-watch all of her childhood tapes, while the writer in him would convince him to think of writing a eulogy. That's what he liked best about year eight. He was so far to being her dad, and so far to being a writer, but the thing he would trade them both for was to be her absolute best friend again. To race shopping carts down the aisles of various toy stores. To build forts out of sofa cushions while watching Saturday morning cartoons. Water balloon fights. Flashlight light saber duels in the dark. Popsicle stick towers. Damn, he thought. He went down that memory by not even meaning to. An earthworm mind was good when you're writing, but when you're trying to forget it's been five days since you last talk to your precious baby girl, its tunneling and erratic pattern is horribly painful.

Normally, Rick wasn't alone in his loft. His mother, Martha, always lurked in one way or another, and at this time, he wished she wasn't off overseeing her acting school. Martha would've made him get up from the couch and eat something. He could almost hear her voice, "Richard! Just because Alexis is gone doesn't mean you should sink to an all-new low." He leaned his head back in thought, trying to imagine Alexis' voice and what she might tell him. Yet it was like a bad dream. Her voice was blurred to his ears. White noise.

When he finally shook the grey blanket from being wrapped around his legs, he pulled himself up from the couch and glanced back at where he had been sleeping. A large crater of his shape was slowly trying to refigure itself and he spent a few minutes just watching it.

He walked over to the kitchen counter where his phone lay. Its black, vacant screen reminded him that he had switched it off. Rick scratched his face, and let out a surprised "Oh" when he saw that his jawline and cheeks were covered in growing scruff. Had it really been that long since he last shaved? He picked up his phone and pressed it back on. It revealed the new artwork for his fourth Nikki Heat book, and forty-eight missed calls.

A light smile spread across his face as he listened to the last message left by his muse. As usual, she tried to remain aloof and hide the obvious sound of concern and worry in her voice. Even though she left him thirty-six messages all averaging around the subject of "Castle, where the hell are you?" and ending with, "Y'know it's too bad you're not here, the vic was decapitated and when we finally found his head, it was already cooking in a microwave at the girlfriend's house." Anything to lure him back. And God, he loved that about her.

It was around noon when he finally showered and got dressed. When he paused in front of the mirror by his door, he rubbed his quarter-inch scruff proudly and tried to keep his smile from sinking.

He rode the elevator down to the lobby and the doorman held a surprised expression as Rick slipped him a hundred.

"Thank you for holding my visits, Pelosi." He said pleasantly, and he hailed a cab, realizing the first sentence he chose in five days was to thank a man whose hearing aid wasn't even turned on to hear it.

As he slid inside the taxi, the cabbie turned back, with a toothpick skillfully pointing at Rick, "Hey, boss, where you wanna go?"

He took a quick glance at the white glove the cabbie was wearing on his right hand and then stared out the window and smiled. "The Twelfth Precinct."


	2. Chapter 2

Rick kept silent as he rode the elevator up to Homicide with two masculine-looking women. One of them loudly cleared her throat, drawing his attention just long enough for him to notice the arriving moustache that was encroaching on her upper lip. In the back of his mind he wanted to ask her how long it was taking her to grow it out, but as the other woman glared at him, he decided to just wait out the awkward silence.

The elevator dinged, and he pretended to casually step out into the floor, only to twirl back at them and pull at his moustache. As the doors close, they both silently gasped with insulted faces, but their speed wasn't greater than the speed of the elevator, and Rick slid away with a smirk.

He walked down the row of desks, nodding to the passing officers and he stopped at the one that held the nameplate "Det. Beckett". How he even missed her nameplate. His blue eyes drifted to the office of Captain Gates, and surprisingly, she wasn't there. Rick dismissed the unusual sight when he heard the arriving voices of his pals, Esposito and Ryan. Possessed by his childish plan to reunite, he quickly sat in Beckett's chair, picked up a file to cover his face, and he lifted his legs up on the desk. He could hear their approaching pair of footsteps stop, and the muttering of Esposito and Ryan conversing, "Who the hell is this guy sitting at Beckett's desk?" The giddiness boiled in Rick as they slowly walked up and stopped again.

"Yo." said Esposito, and if it had been anyone else, they wouldn't have recognized his 'Piss off' voice. Yet Rick knew it by heart and only smiled wider behind the file.

He heard the shifting of their stance, and a faint sound of someone elbowing the other to pursue.

"Hey, bro." Esposito said a little bit louder and took a step forward.

"Hmm?" muttered Rick in a deep voice, remaining still.

He heard the sharp exhale of an irritated Javi, and the step of Ryan's hallow shoe.

Ryan cleared his throat, "Uh, listen, I don't know if you know, but that desk is taken."

"Oh?" Rick muttered again as he nestled his mouth into his collar. "I suppose I'm too busy trying to solve this murder to worry about kindergarten seating, boys. Perhaps you should do the same."

Rick could just picture the piercing eyes of Esposito as he heard him whispered, "Oh, that's it." With an angry gesture, he pushed Rick's legs off the desk.

"I don't know who you are, and right now I don't really care-"

Anticipation festered inside of Rick when he heard the rhythmic sound of heels knocking on the floor and right before they past him, he thrust his legs back on the desk. The heels stopped for a moment, and lightly squeaked as they turned to him, yet just as quickly, they squeaked back and the knocking resumed as they past Esposito and Ryan.

"Hey'a, Castle." He smiled when he heard her voice and slowly pulled down the file.

Esposito and Ryan stood resembling the dropped-jaws of the two masculine women, yet Rick spared the anecdote for another time as he lept after Kate, only stopping to wink and point at them with finger guns. He effortlessly swiveled around and quickly slid right behind Kate who was flipping through a file.

"So, how much did you miss me?" He whispered his dark voice in her ear and smiled when he saw a glimmer of pleasure in her eyes.

"Oh, Castle. How you do hallucinate."

Kate took a sharp turn into the break room and placed down the file on a table as she took a ceramic cup and began prepping it for coffee. His blue eyes watched her closely, reading every hidden expression. She took a loaded breath, and he knew the words she wanted to trap him in. _"So, I heard you were on vacation._" "_Oh? Where did you hear that?_" "_Around._" "_Well, the only person I informed to tell people that was my doorman. Did you, perhaps, attempt to visit me out of sheer worry for my well-being? Why, Katherine Beckett, did you miss your skillfully intuitive partner?_" "_Please, don't flatter yourself, Castle. I'm a detective._"

As she swirled the cream into her coffee, she could almost read his thoughts and without a word, she turned around, picked up the file with one hand and quickly left the room before he could see her smile. Rick slid beside her, and immediately Kate turned to give him a curious look.

"I polished the soles of my shoes so I'd slide on soft surfaces." He said in the same voice a child does when a parent looks oddly at them about something they did.

She gave a wordless and an almost not-surprised "Ah", and then started to walk again.

"I was really bored." He murmured.

Rick glanced up to see Esposito and Ryan still standing over Kate's desk, waiting, and then he realized that they must have just crack a case.

Excitedly, he tried to take a look at the file she was carrying, yet when she felt his breath on her ear, she closed it and fastened her pace to her desk.

Rick groaned sadly, "What, I don't get to help?"

Kate leisurely sat in her chair, arched an eyebrow at him and placed down her coffee. "I'm sorry, Castle." She said in a tone that was completely not sorry, but more so enjoying the torture 'No, thanks' brought to a murder case deprived child. "But, I'm afraid we're already wrapping this case up, and there's no point to waste such..._expertise_ on something that's practically done."

He looked to Esposito and Ryan, who each wore a smirk, and he quickly looked back at Kate, "Well, what if you missed something?"

Esposito pretended to read the file, glancing up to emphasize certain points,"Oh, you mean like the _month-old_ abrasions on the vic's lower waist that had been _purposely_ covered with a spray-on tan? The pattern of said abrasions, giving the _identity_ of the killer?"

"Previously attempted murder?" Rick asked with sense of thrill.

Ryan nodded, "Mechanic murdered, this time successfully, by his step-son."

"Where did you find him?"

"Shoved in a piano, on its way to being donated out of state to a nursing home."

Rick's eyes widened, "Sing us a song, piano man."

"Not only that," Ryan added, quickly exchanging a glance to Esposito, "but his left foot and right hand were cut off."

"Motive?"

"Apparently, the vic was drunk, used to beat his wife and step-son."

"Lemme guess, he'd punch them with his right hand and kick 'em with his left foot." Kate stifled a smile when Rick demonstrated.

"That, we don't know a hundred percent for sure, we never found 'em."

Esposito piped in, "Well, to be fair, we never found them completely."

Ryan nodded in agreement, "That's right. The kid fed 'em to their dog."

"Not to mention," said Esposito, "the fact that the vic had his eyes scooped out with a grapefruit spoon."

"Whoa," Rick glanced to Kate who only sat silently with a smile on her face as she watched them, and then Rick quickly turned back at them and his brows furrowed. "You made that up?"

Both stood hiding their smiles as they bumped fists, and they walked away. Kate heard him muttered a disgruntled scoff, and then it instantly turned into a quiet chuckle. When her brown eyes quickly glanced to find him, Rick had reached for a chair and dragged it to the side of her desk, scooting up next to her with his head in his hands, and his eyes fixated on her.

"What is it, Castle?" She asked, hiding how flustered she got when he stared at her.

"I'm sorry I didn't call." His voice sounded more sincere than she imagined it would, and she looked at him for a moment, surprised to see a saddened face.

"It's okay, I understand."

"No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have shut you out. I just felt like-"

Kate reached her hand to touch his, "Castle, I think you're forgetting something. I know what it's like to lose someone you love, and when that happened, I didn't talk to anyone for such a long time. But the fact is, Alexis isn't truly gone. She'll be back." Kate smiled sincerely and winked to cheer him up. "You need to not worry as much."

He mustered a weak smile, "I know. I just, I keep feeling like something is going to happen." Rick's voice trailed off as he lay his face in his hands. "I can't close my eyes without seeing it."

She watched as he slowly sighed and brought his face from his hands, she could see it in his eyes. "When's the last time you got some sleep?" asked Kate as she began scooping up papers and stacking them together.

"I'm not tired."

"Mentally, I may believe that. But physically, you look exhausted."

Kate looked to her watch and stood up, "Tell you what, Castle. How about we go grab some lunch? That way, you can tell me all that's bothering you and I can tell you to let it go."

Slowly, he stood up, maintaining the sad look on his face, his blue eyes glanced up at her. "Can we start with how you left me thirty-six messages?"

When she saw his smile, she threw on her jacket and walked towards the elevator, "Sure, Castle." As he followed her in and the doors began to close, she whispered, "Let it go."


	3. Chapter 3

Rick motioned to a corner booth at Remy's when they arrived and Kate gave him a look as she slid in. A peppy girl with her red hair tied up in a bun quickly approached them with a notepad and smile.

"What can I get cha'?" Her perky voice resembled a pair of manicured hands running down a chalkboard, and Rick quickly ordered two cheeseburgers with fries and drinks just to get her away from him.

For a moment, they awkwardly sat in the bustle of the diner. Both finally realizing that their 'lunch' could be construed as a date. At least, that's what the "Aw"-stricken gazes from behind the counters said. As Kate started to mentally kick the crap out of herself for the doubt of her intentions, Rick clasped his hands together and glanced up at her.

The sting of anxiety rushed a rough draft question to her lips, "Have you written anything lately?" What the hell, Kate thought. Another drop-kick to herself.

Rick lightly smiled, and shook his head, "It's weird though. My normal routine of writer's block is usually broken with Alexis lecturing me to write, and it always pushed me because I could feel the words on my fingertips. Now," He looked off at the red-and-white tiles, "I don't even have the words to not-write. I suppose I just don't see the point. Alexis was my proof-reader, and without her here, I don't have 'It was really good, Dad.' or 'Way too over-the-top'. I feel like I've lost the part that made me a writer."

Kate took a moment just to look at the brokenness she saw in him. The peppy waitress returned with their food and quickly left them with the unwavering smile. She looked back at Rick who was slowly unwrapping his burger.

"I know what you mean." She said quietly. "When my mom died, I felt like I lost the part of myself that made me _me_. It was like I wasn't even alive without her. Like I was just drifting."

His blue eyes glanced up at her, and said barely above a whisper, "I keep having this dream, where something horrible happens, and it's like I'm right there, but I'm frozen and I can't save her. And every time, it feels _so _real. Like I'm being killed every time I try to fall asleep."

Kate looked out the diner window in thought, she watched the people walked by and she thought of the lives that unknowingly drifted. She was deeply saddened to believe that he was starting to drive himself crazy with the infectious worrying, and she took a moment to blame the lifestyle he adapted. The endless cases of murder. The endless times he's seen them tell parents that their daughter had been killed. It was enough to keep you up at night with all the possibilities your loved ones can be killed.

"Y'know, Castle." She said at last, and glanced over to see he had finished his burger and he was wiping mustard from his face. "If you want, I could recommend you to someone who helps me with, uh, anxiety and such."

Her brown eyes waited for his insulted reaction, yet all that came was a brief wave of relief.

"Yeah, I think I might take you up on that."

They both shared an understanding smile, when suddenly the peppy waitress returned.

"This is on the house." She said cheerfully as she placed a milkshake with two straws in the middle of them.

For a moment, they just stared at it, and then glanced up at each other. Rick smiled and Kate arched an eyebrow, both leaned in to set themselves up for staring contest, pushing the other to break off from the awkwardness. For a moment, it was just them. Fighting off the sorrows, and the awkward "Aw's", and the brain freeze that built up inside them until the glass was empty and they both coyly backed away with a smile that eventually broke with them leaning their foreheads on their hands and quietly laughing at the pain.

As the walked outside to her car, they both settled for the assumed label of their 'lunch'. For Kate, it was just him. And for him, it was just her.

Kate drove with the brief sensation of their noses slightly brushing together and the look in his eye, while Rick held onto her scent and the image of her lips as she playfully licked the ice cream from them.

They were stopped at a red light when Rick looked over to her, "Thank you."

She only flashed him a glanced of her brown eyes as she smiled, "Always."


End file.
